Introduction
Being in a relationship is something to celebrate! But having sex after you’ve been abstinent (for example, because it’s your first time, because you’ve just had a baby, or because you had a medical procedure) can feel scary. This anxiety is perfectly valid because it’s based in reality. Yes, real psychological and physical challenges can arise when you have sex again. But you don’t have to be scared. You just have to be prepared!
Why Sex Might Feel Painful After a Break
Similar to the nerves many first timers feel, you might worry that sex will hurt when you resume it after a break. A lack of lubrication and increased anxiety—which is completely expected—can make sex feel physically painful, according to Romper. Fixing lubrication is pretty self-explanatory, but anxiety can feel more complicated.
We all reduce stress in different ways, but some general recommendations include mindfulness, yoga, and exercise. You may also want to tell your partner that it has been awhile. They should know how to make the experience less stressful. And if they don’t, don’t be afraid to tell them.
Returning to Sex After Pain or Diagnosis
Returning to sex after a pain diagnosis can feel even more complicated. First, ask yourself: are you even ready to return? It’s ok if you’re not.
Chronic pain does not erase your libido on its own, but pushing through pain can create negative associations with something that should feel fun and enjoyable. Fear and anxiety can also cause your muscles to tighten instinctively. This is your body’s way of trying to protect you. That tightening can make sex even more painful, and the cycle continues.
And THAT can be a real libido buster, because who wants to participate in an activity that hurts? (My blog post on dyspareunia is particularly helpful here.) You should talk to your medical team and pelvic floor physical therapist about exercises that can help you prepare, such as dilator work and hip stretches.
In addition, if a hormonal component contributes to your pain (for example, as some women on prolonged birth control may experience), or if you are postmenopausal, you may benefit from estrogen or estrogen/testosterone creams.
Bleeding with Sex: What It Can Mean
Believe it or not, bleeding with sex is not limited to only the first time. Many things can cause postcoital vaginal bleeding in sexually active folks, including more serious conditions like cancer and pelvic inflammatory disease, according to the Mayo Clinic.
However, you may simply need more lube, more foreplay, or a different type of birth control that isn’t hormonal. There may also be no clear reason! Although it can feel embarrassing to talk about, you should always tell your doctor if it’s happening so you don’t miss an important diagnosis.
When Desire, Identity, or Emotions Shift
At any point in your sexual life, you may notice less desire than you used to. You may also experience challenges related to trauma, shame, orientation, identity, or addiction. The person you were when you were having sex at 25 may not be the person you are when you return to it in your late thirties.
This is where a psychologist or sex therapist can help. Sex therapists are real healthcare professionals trained to support people with a wide range of concerns, from lowered desire to difficulty maintaining an erection.
Final Thoughts
Sex is one of the most beautiful parts of being human, but it should never cause pain. It may feel silly to prepare for it, but remember: you can’t fully engage in loving someone else before you love and care for yourself first!